Ben Kingsley Wouldn't Steal This House (Big Brother)

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I just saw House Of Sand And Fog on HBO. Poor Jennifer Connelly. With Ben Kingsley and that evil dark water out to get her, she'll never find a place to stay. I am in a giving and generous mood, so I'd like to offer her a place at my fabulous estate. It is the least I can do before she gets trapped in a fantastical maze, an enclosed city floating through space under the control of strange alien beings, or worst of all, a Target.


More to the actual point of this posting, on Thursday, CBS broke out episode one of this summer's Big Brother reality show. It unfolded thusly on my screen:

Some time is spent showing us the new and improved Big Brother house, which is now two stories. Fourteen people will enter the house with a chance at a million dollars. Can it really be called “the season premiere of Big Brother 6” when it is the only season called Big Brother 6? Last season was called Big Brother 5, next season will be called Big Brother 7. I’ll just call it Big Brother, how about that.

The robotic Julie Chen appears to tell us that there are lots of secrets, like how a girl robot got in the hands of Les Moonves. She tells us how every contestant is playing with a partner – another contestant. Each pair of partners thinks they are on the only pair of partners and the other twelve people are all completely unfamiliar with each other. If the last two contestants in the game are partners, then the winner gets $1,000,000 instead of the regular $500,000, while the second place person gets $250,000 instead of a mere $50,000. Considering how many total programming hours this show takes up, they should always be giving away a million dollars.

The odds of a team surviving to the end really depends on if all the teams can keep the team thing a secret, because once it is out, all the teams will be broken up until there are only solo players left. You do not want to be the third wheel when there are two teammates left because they have a huge financial incentive to not take you to the end. The main problem here is that one team (hell, five teams) could be brilliant and keep it a secret and it just takes a few teams of idiots to both reveal they are from Texas or The OC for people to get suspicious and figure it out. Any smart team is immediately going to lie about where one member is from and make sure not to spend too much time with each other.

We get some shots of the contestants learning that they are on the show and saying dumb things about how well they think they are going to do. Oddly enough, no one says that they will be among the first voted out. The contestants have an hour to pack after being notified apparently.

One contestant is Janelle, a “VIP Cocktail Waitress” which is apparently a euphemism for “blonde waitress who wears lingerie on the job”. There is also Maggie, a nurse, who there are rumors on the internet about her originally having been a man. Ashlea doesn’t know how to pronounce her own name. There are many hot chicks and bald guys.

Julie reminds us about the secret teammate angle as the contestants show up at the fake door of their fake house. I am 50/50 on whether Maggie is a man. After a close-up of her face, I am definitely leaning toward her having blue wallpaper as a baby. The ratio of 7 girls, 6 guys, and Maggie also suggests Maggie might have been given Tonka products as a young child.

Five people are let into the house. They go to the one visible bedroom, which has small crappy beds that remind me of college, but more colorful. Some more people go into the house and get stuck with cots. A few of the last people are stuck with sleeping bags.

Maggie and the girls all get together and are already wondering if they should band together and drop the hammer on the six guys. Meanwhile, the guys are in the bathroom, where they discover that the shower doors start two or three feet off the ground and stop five or six feet off the ground. In other words, they look like saloon doors from a western movie. CBS knows what gets ratings these days.

Janelle tells everyone she is from Miami Beach, which she is. Now that I think about it, if each team thinks they are the only team, they have no reason to lie, because they think they are the only team so the other people don’t have a reason to suspect that they are a team. Thus, the team has no reason to lie about where they are from – it could just be a coincidence. However, if a smart team starts noticing a few pairs from the same places, they might want to put things together and then lie about their hometowns.

Howie drools over Janelle to the camera, while Ivette gets bitter about Janelle being fake, which is odd considering the fact that Ivette is also from Miami Beach, although she does not say this (or anything) on the show. Eric thinks he is a genius because he can figure out that Beau is gay. Jennifer, who gets my vote for finest lady in the house, also has a master’s. Then again, I have a master’s.

Ashlea mispronounces her own name again. Kaysar lies and says he is from LA, not right next door to Michael in the OC like in real life. Howie is a weatherman and James thinks he is a retard, which makes too of us. Sarah manages a lingerie department. Ivette then proceeds to say that she lives in Miami (just like Janelle) and is a waitress (just like Janelle).

Rachel is from Colorado and has the advantage of not being from the same state as her secret partner. Maggie says she is a nurse and I am this close to switching to a different pronoun for her. April is a newlywed. James is a teacher, which is a lie. He is a loss prevention manager. He thinks it is smooth to lie because he wanted to say he had a job that was non-threatening. Somehow I think most of his competition would not know what a loss prevention manager is. They would probably think he was a mall cop. James also has the special advantage of not being from the same state as anyone else. Eric and Maggie are the other two.

Meanwhile, Howie and Sarah are both from Chicago, Ivette and Janelle are both from Miami Beach, Beau and Ashlea are both from other cities in Florida, April and Jennifer are both from Texas and April’s maiden name is Jennifer’s last name, and Michael and Kaysar both live in the OC. Draw your own conclusions, but Howie and Sarah are the only ones there that might not be a team.

Robo-Chen tells us that there will be important competitions and reminds us for the second time about the whole secret teammate thing, then we go to commercials that I get to skip because I am watching it off my Replay. Well, I get to skip them when I stop typing. Thus, I see an ad for Dark Water, with Jennifer Connelly. This gives me a chance to mention that Jennifer Connelly in Career Opportunities (an otherwise completely useless, poor quality movie that probably was John Hughes’ death knell) was probably the apex of female beauty in human history.

Now Tom Cruise is saving Dakota Fanning before the aliens can drop atomic bombs on our volcanoes or something.

Robo-Chen is back and talks to the contestants through her screen. She lets them know that they will only get peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a week unless they win their challenge. The challenge also involves a component to become the HOH (head of household), who is the person that decides which two contestants get voted for to be eliminated later. Robo-Chen has the people split into two teams and then sends them to get in their swimsuits. Once again, CBS know how to get ratings.

The swimsuit-clad contestants go outside, where there is a giant pool with a large surfboard-type thing in the water. The challenge, like most Big Brother challenges, is overly complex and underly intelligent. There are giant (fake) coconut trees hanging above the pool. The contestants must pick coconuts and toss them into the mouths of big tiki statues while all seven people on a team are on the surfboard. Whichever team gets the most coconuts in a certain amount of time gets to have real food for the week. The losing team gets peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. At least they aren’t eating stuff from Survivor or Fear Factor. Still, they should give them the option of having peanut butter and honey sandwiches too.

Also, the members of the winning team will later battle to win HOH. Everyone gets into the water and April is worried about her team having only two guys. Howie and Kaysar are given the important roles of shooting the coconuts at the tiki statues for their respective teams. Howie is better at first, taking a 3-0 lead. Eric replaces Kaysar at shooting but also at missing. April jumps into the water to recover missed shots for Howie’s team (the orange team), which is soon up 5-0 and then 7-1. The blue team decides to just start rotating who shoots, but it is 9-2 more than halfway through the contest. The blue team falls into the water, all except for Ashlea, who tells the camera she was worried about getting her hair wet. The score is a really, really, really shameful 20-4 when Michael steps up and makes the loss really, really shameful at 23-7.

The blue team gets stuck with the delicious peanut butter and jelly. Howie tells the camera that it was all because of him. He is swiftly taking the key “jackass” role of this season. April apparently had nothing to worry about, since her team one with only two guys (although according to Howie, they won solely because of one of those two guys).

The HOH part of the competition is explained by Robo-Chen. Everyone gets back on the surfboard and the last person standing wins. The surfboard is built as a bit of a seesaw, but no one is working it that way yet. Being in the middle can’t hurt.

Inside the house, the plotting begins. Ivette and another girl are talking. Back outside, the people on the surfboard see it and someone suggests they all band together for a few weeks, since it will be 7 against 6 after they get rid of one of the people inside (since one of the people outside has to get HOH and can thus make sure to nominate two of the inside people). One person suggests they just promise to nominate inside people and then have six people jump off the surfboard right away so they don’t have to wait all night, but another person is (rightfully) worried that doing so would make it obvious what was happening to the inside people.

James says his calf is cramping and gets off the surfboard. Kaysar and Michael are talking together (coincidentally, both are from the OC) and Kaysar thinks right away that the surfboard people are going to go after the inside people. Kaysar then tells the camera how people will target him since he is Muslim and Arab.

Hey Kaysar, what did you think when the son of the former Shah of Iran came to UCI where you were a student to call for a democracy that does not abuse human rights in Iran? Kaysar says "his supporters are trying to re-establish the secular state, which is a move against Islam.” (OC Register, 5/24/01)

Don’t target Kaysar because he is Muslim or Arab, target him because he appears to support the Iranian dictator that oppresses Iran’s people, supports terrorists, and is trying to build a nuclear bomb.

Michael tells Kaysar that no one is going to make an alliance the first night and he is being paranoid. Michael, by the way, has allegedly never watched the show, so forgive his naiveté.

I skip over commercials, including the just-released crapsterpiece Fantastic Four, which is running an ad with four quotes from Gene Shalit (who likes every movie) and one from a guy from the WGN channel. Not really good signs. If I want a comic book movie, I think I’ll just see Batman a third time.

An ad for the Rock Star INXS show insists it is like Survivor meets rock and roll, when in reality it is more like American Idol meets rock and roll. Of course, American Idol is on another network while Survivor is on the same network. I’d like to be the first person to make the obvious joke about how Van Halen will be the band doing it next year once Eddie has spent all the reunion tour money.

Robo-Chen tries to sell us the live internet feed. Back on the surfboard, April insists they should stick together for two weeks. They ask each other who wants to win. About half of them want to win and the rest do not. I want someone on one end to jump off so Howie on the other end gets dunked in the water by the seesaw.

Inside, the four guys on the losing team are worried that not only will the surfboard people go after the inside people, but they will go after them, the four men, because most of the surfboard people are girls. Eric insists the men need to stick together.

Two more girls get off the surfboard, leaving three people. Maggie goes shortly thereafter, but all three of these people waited over two hours. Maggie is worried about sticking out by winning HOH.

Inside the house, Kaysar goes to James (who was on the winning team) and says how he does not want to be one of the first people bounced. James wisely acts like he has no power over that fact.

Rachel and Howie are the last two on the surfboard. The way they are talking to each other as if they have a long term plan suggests that Rachel and Howie are secret teammates (meaning my suspicion about the Chicago/Chicago people maybe not being a team is correct), then Howie jumps off, making Rachel HOH. That was a good move, because Maggie had it very right about not needing to stick out, especially when it seems the deal to nominate only inside people is going to stick (no reason for it not to) and even more especially when it appears Rachel is Howie’s secret partner. No one will ever nominate their secret partner, since it costs them a lot of money in the end.

Kaysar tells us more about being a Muslim and prays toward Mecca. Some people ask him about it. Ashlea does not come off as a rocket scientist when she tells the camera how “you kind of have a biased opinion coming in for the first time because of the whole war with Iraq, you know getting to know him as an individual you get through those judgments and those biases.” She probably gets her news from MTV.

Rachel takes everyone to the HOH room, which is now an HOH suite. Eric tells the camera that everyone is overreacting about how amazing the room is. Wait until he is eating peanut butter and jelly. Howie tells us how he will be there next week. Most of the people leave until it is just Howie, Rachel, and a few other surfboard people. Rachel suggests they start thinking about which people to nominate.

CBS is really pushing that Rock Star INXS show. I am already watching it, ok.

Jennifer is attracted to Michael and also to Howie, except for when Howie speaks. Howie actually asks her “Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world.” One wonders if Howie would be saying such retarded things if he was not sure he was safe this week. The first week it only takes a little to get bounced because people don’t know each other yet. Of course, Howie probably will be acting like a jagoff every day. Jennifer also flirts with James, who tells the camera he thinks it is an act to play the guys, an act which Michael is falling for.

Eric continues to worry about the girls picking off the guys, when he should be worried about the surfboard people picking off the inside people. Kaysar tells us an alliance with Eric is a good thing, as he is a strong player. Hey, both of you are strong players as far as I know, well, outside of games that involve throwing fake coconuts into the mouth of a tiki statue. There, you both are horrible players. Eric and Kaysar are already planning to alternate winning HOH (you are ineligible to win it twice in a row until there are only three people left in the game). I hate to break it to you, Eric, but no pair of people has ever held HOH for more than three weeks in a row.

Kaysar tells Eric that he trusts Michael, although he neglects to mention the part where he and Michael will bounce Eric if they are the last three. Eric trusts James but Kaysar does not. Now, Eric is allegedly secret teammates with Maggie, on the basis that he used to live in Las Vegas, where Maggie lives, but Eric, Maggie, and James are all people not living in the same state as anyone else, so it could be possible that James is Eric’s real secret teammate.

Eric says they can’t trust Beau because “he’s one of the girls”. Now, this did happen last year where the gay guy joined the women’s team when the teams split on the basis of gender. Maybe they should get Ivette to join the guy’s team then. Eric does not trust Howie, thinking he will “go whichever way the wind blows” and I think I agree with Eric there. Eric and Kaysar agree to have an Eric/Kaysar/Michael/James alliance. This is a good move for them (unless someone gets bounced right away since only James was on the surfboard), but if James is not Eric’s secret partner, then it is a great movie for Eric because he has four people on his side counting the secret partner. Eric is still paranoid about the number of women. Eric says tells Kaysar that the two of them, James, and Michael should be the final four and then be on their own, which adds more fuel to the possibility of Eric and James being a secret team. If Eric and James are together and Howie and Rachel are together, that means Sarah is with Maggie. Of course, if Eric and James are not together, Eric is really scamming Kaysar because he is not planning a final four without his real teammate.

Rachel is talking with Maggie and another girl and someone says that they should go after a girl instead of a guy. Rachel says she has two people in mind to nominate – Ashlea and Kaysar. Maggie says that it works. Maggie then tells the camera that Rachel scares Maggie the most because “She, like [Maggie], is playing it from day one.”

James tells Eric that some of the girls don’t like Jennifer because she is flirtatious. James is sent to Rachel to encourage her to nominate girls. James tells Rachel how annoying Jennifer’s shameless flirtation is. James tells Rachel that he can control the guys through Eric. James tells the camera that he is looking to get rid of one evil woman and then a few more.

In case you didn’t know, there is going to be a show next week on CBS called Rock Star INXS.

Robo-Chen tells us that it is time for Rachel to nominate the two people who will be voted on for elimination. Rachel says she does not know everyone well enough to do this. She has a round box in which she inserts giant keys, each with the name of someone who is safe. The keys with the names of the people who are nominated are left in a little bag. She brings the box to the big table and invites everyone in. She tells everyone how hard it is but fails to rattle off the entire usual shpiel about how she loves everyone and it is the hardest thing she has ever had to do in her life but the game made her do it and she loves everyone especially the two people she nominated and most importantly whoever does not get voted off needs to not seek revenge on her later. I am sure the next HOH will remember the speech. I think it is written somewhere in the HOH room.

Janelle is the first person who is safe – wise move putting an inside person first. People tend to see the HOH as putting the keys into the box in the order of preference. If the first six keys (the HOH wears their own key around their neck) are the surfboard people, then the inside people know there is definitely an alliance. Of course, trying to be too smart by putting five inside people then the six surfboard people is not smart at all, because only an idiot doesn’t see that one either.

Janelle gets her key and pulls the next one from the box. Maggie is safe, so Rachel is indeed mixing it up. Maggie pulls out Beau’s key. Beau pulls out Jennifer’s key, so Rachel did not heed James’ suggestion. Jennifer pulls out Eric’s key. Eric pulls out April’s key. April pulls out Ivette’s key. Ivette pulls out James’ key. James pulls out Michael’s key. Michael pulls out Sarah’s key. Sarah pulls out the last key, and it belongs to Howie. I think Rachel would have been better off throwing her secret teammate’s key in the middle, but clearly she overdid it thinking it was the least suspicious at the end. There’s only one person at the end, Rachel, while there are lots of people to lose track of in the middle.

Anyways, Ashlea and Kaysar are nominated. Rachel at least knows the first-week post-nomination HOH speech, telling them how bad she feels because she did not have much to go on so it is not really personal. Ashlea has a few tears in her eyes. So does Rachel. Kaysar plays it cool. Kaysar tells the camera how he is going to get aggressive now. Ashlea says pretty much the same thing. Rachel tells us that it is Ashlea’s own fault for not getting to know the HOH.

Robo-Chen says she will reveal the secret teams on Thursday, when the voting off takes place. The CBS announcer tells us they will reveal the secret teams on Tuesday, so CBS clearly needs to get its story straight. Robo-Chen says good night.